Things that I’ve learned from Uwe Bol

I was snookered into renting “In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale” and finally watched it this evening. Now, I recognized “Dungeon Siege” as a video game I never played, and thought it to be purely coincidence. But as the opening titles rolled, I was damaged by the name…Uwe Boll…So now…

Things that I’ve learned from Uwe Boll

  1. There are very few movies that I will take out of my DVD player, place back into the little red envelope, and place into my mailbox without finishing. And I’ve rented some crap before.
  2. Actors that kick ass in other movies, such as Jason Statham (The Transporter), Ron Pierce(?Hellboy), and Burt Reynolds (anything cool in the last 20 years) are not enough to save a movie like this. I was even excited to see Matthew Lillard(Hackers, Scream)
  3. Jason Statham has some great fight scenes in his career. This does not translate into large army battles int he middle of the woods, or the keen use of a damn boomerang.
  4. The wizard guy in this reminds me of a show of better quality. Sliders. Yes, I said Sliders. Even that was better than this crap. (disclaimer: Sorg is a Sliders fan, yet still acknowledges it’s quality)
  5. Uwe Boll is a genius in taking advantage of his native German entertainment industry tax-break laws to finance his films (producers receive a 100% deductible, it seems) If only the producers of acclaimed films such as Pan’s Labyrinth take advantage of such things.
  6. The trailer was very deceptive in the film’s awesomeness. Kudos to the trailer editors who hid the horridness of this. They even did this without showing Burt Reynolds as the king! That alone would have tricked me into this rental.
  7. Ninja archers and vine lesbians were the oddest additions.
  8. And Ray Liotta has a sweet leather jacket for being in medieval times

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

%d bloggers like this: